Cucumber Conundrum

I had a dream that I was a grey cat and cucumbers were involved.

As a smoky grey cat, cucumbers are a terrifying arch enemy, I'll tell ya what! Let this be a cautionary tail about taking revenge on cucumbers after allowing them into your space. 

There I was, minding my own business, licking my own balls, cleaning myself. I kept to myself, homeless and living off the land in a suburban community, although I kept away from humans. Many of the homes had gardens, and I would balance myself atop the boundary fences, admiring the colorful plants and vegetables. 

Some of the gardens had birdbaths, and I would hunt and catch wild birds and eat them. Occasionally, I would find mice scampering around, and I'd devour them, too. I was doing my part to keep the mice population from growing out of control. 

There were other stray cats around the neighborhood, like myself. We all kept to ourselves, for the most part. Sometimes, if we wandered into one another's territory, we'd get into a fight, usually in the middle of the night. Essentially, our cat drama went down like this: 

"HISS!" I would say. 

"Reeeaaaawwwrrr!" my opponent would declare. 

I'd arch my back, puff up my tail, firmly stand my ground, and in a low-pitched growl, shout, "No no no no no no!" 

Then, my opponent and I would attack, biting and clawing and punching, tumbling around in the bushes. Or, if we happened to be on top of a house roof, we'd tumble off the roof and splash down into a pool. The fight immediately ended in this case, each of us becoming a wet ass pussy, and then we'd simply go our separate ways. 

On one such fight, we ended up in a garden that only had cucumbers growing. When my opponent and I saw the terrifying snake-like cucumbers, we skedaddled out of there. Our instincts did not trust cucumbers. 

~~~~~~~~

One day, a human family of four moved into a house that had been vacant for a while. Along with them came two female cats, both of which were pure white with blue eyes. They were angelic, and it was love at first sight. 

Some days, the sister cats were allowed outdoors. Being a curious cat, I stealthily approached them by jumping the fence. There was no garden in the back yard, but there was a tree house. When we first saw each other, the two sister cats came up and sniffed me. 

It was customary to greet each other by sniffing each others' butts, so that's what we did. Trust was established, and a romantic connection was made, just like that. 

Every day, I would show up in their back yard, where we'd chase each other, play with giant balls of yarn, and get high on catnip that the sister cats' human family provided. 

One day, the three of us were so high on catnip, that we could have sworn we saw a cucumber slither into the yard from the garden next door. We immediately got distracted, though, as we were fed moist Fancy Feast cat food, served in crystalline dishes. Unbeknownst to us, cucumbers appeared behind us. When we finished and turned around, we instantly bolted upward, defying gravity, startled out of our minds! 

We ran around the yard in a panic, believing the cucumbers were out to get us. After a few moments of dashing all over, we realized the cucumbers weren't moving. My tail was puffed up from the excitement, and for some reason, the two sister cats seemed extra attracted to me. 

"Meeeewww," said one of the sister cats. This was how I found out that they were both spayed, so I wouldn't be able to get them pregnant with kittens. 

The three of us were still high on catnip, so now that we had our Fancy Feast, we were feelin'... frisky. 

I chased the sister cats all around the yard, and we hopped the wooden fence into the front yard. There was an orange car parked in the driveway, and the three of us pounced up onto the roof of the car. 

I started humping one of the sister cats, while the other lay there, patiently waiting her turn. While we were going at it, other random cat couple jumped up onto the roof and started humping away. Before long, there were was a lot of fluffy fornication going on. Just then, one of the humans came out of the house, and saw us all doing the dirty! It was a middle-aged man, and he got on his phone with his boss. 

"Hey, boss. I'm calling to let you know that I'm going to be late to work today," he said. "There's a cat orgy going on on top of my car. I'm in a bit of a conundrum here." He paused, then continued. "Yeah, I can take a photo for evidence and send it to you." 

The man hung up, took a photo without our knowledge or consent, then disappeared back into the house. 

~~~~~~~~

Some moments later, the furball orgy ended, and now all of us cats were napping atop the orange car. Suddenly, one of us bolted upward, startled by something. A second later, the rest of us saw cucumbers on the ground around the car, and we all scattered in all directions, scared out of our minds! 

The man emerged from the house, got in the car, and left. Meanwhile, the sister cats and I were perched on the fence, intensely watching the cucumbers. 

They didn't move. We waited, expecting them to attack at any moment, anticipating our demise. 

Nothing. A whole lot of nothing. 

It was time to retaliate against the cucumbers for ruining our post-orgy nap. 

With bravery and defiance, we pounced onto the cucumbers, capturing them. We brought them into the backyard, and plopped them into the pool, where they would drown, meeting their doom. 

Our revenge wouldn't stop there. Nope! We went next door, and hunted cucumbers in the garden. 

We plucked our enemy from the vines, and brought them to the pool, hoping they would drown in despair. Instead, the cucumbers just floated in the pool, unbothered. 

We watched them, waiting for them to "die", but nothing happened. 

After a pointless anticipation, we lost interest and turned our backs on the pool. It was time for our lazy afternoon cat nap, so we curled up in the shade, on the other side of the yard from the pool. 

Moments later, we heard slithering in the grass. Startled, we saw the cucumbers slithering out of the pool and toward us across the lawn! 

The horror! The audacity! The cucumbers were coming for us! It was a cat-triggered cucumber conundrum!