Mario Hills

Gasping for air, I jolted awake. Anxious and exhausted, I realized I had just awoken from a nightmare where I had drowned in a pool of blood. 

Upon fully gaining consciousness, I looked around and realized I was in an empty log cabin. I remembered where I was. Knowing I was lost in a strange neighborhood where all the structures were made of life-sized Lincoln Logs, I needed to find an exit to get back to reality. 

The room I was in had shuttered windows, keeping it somewhat dark inside. Outside, the sun shone brightly, and I remembered that it never set in this place. The day was endless here, always bright. 

Feeling exhausted from lack of food and water for the past day, it became my primary goal to find supplies. Uncertain of how long I would be trapped in this realm, I set out to look for nourishment. 

As I weaved my way through the bright green grassy rolling hills, I entered a few other random log cabins to see what I could find. They were all the same, and all were completely empty. 

I pushed on, weary, growing ever more exhausted. As I came to the summit of a hill, I finally saw a sign. It was the logo for 7-Eleven on a tall pole that was behind another hill. I had come to the edge of the Lincoln Log Hills neighborhood, and I made my way over toward the sign. 

Motivated and with clear direction, I quickened my pace. When I got to the top of the next hill, I was relieved to see a 7-Eleven convenience store in the valley between plain grassy hills. There were no paths or roads to it. The store was small, with only a small concrete parking lot that could fit maybe three or four cars, but there was nothing connected to it. The 7-Eleven was isolated and was like an oasis in grassy dunes. 

I entered the store, and there was no one inside, and the overhead speakers were playing a very surreal style of elevator music. 

The aisles were full of junk food, energy bars, and various other food, medical supplies, and hiking equipment. In the coolers, I found water, including a peculiar drink called "Almond Water". I found a turquoise backpack and stuffed it full of food and drinks for my journey ahead. 

To my surprise, I noticed there were no price tags on anything, and there was no checkout counter at all. How would I pay for this stuff? There wasn't a soul around, and I felt guilty for leaving without paying. Just as I was about to exit, I found a paper map for the area I was in, and I appreciated the clarity. 

The map was labelled "Brightburbs: Region 22," and it had been produced by "D.A.R.B." It showed the Lincoln Log Hills, as well as several other neighborhoods, all of which were several miles across. On the map, I spotted an area called "Mario Hills." My curiosity piqued, I decided to head in that direction. 

In the middle of a grassy field, there was a lone picnic table a little ways from the store. I sat and stuffed my face with a couple plump 'n juicy hot dogs, topped with relish. 

Refreshed and rejuvenated, I set out toward Mario Hills, which was a couple miles away. My eyes were sensitive to the sun, so I put on some shades that I had found in the store. 

As I made my way through a couple neighborhoods, I noticed that there were no paths or roads at all, or there were random paths that led nowhere. All the houses and structures were randomly scattered in grassy rolling hills. The houses were brightly colored, and varied in shape and size. 

After a couple hours of hiking, I came to a small river. Next to it was a wooden sign that read "Mario Stream." I followed the winding river through grassy rolling hills, until I came to the Mario Hills neighborhood. 

There, all the houses were reminiscent of a castle straight out of Super Mario video game. They all resembled a grand, white castle with red tiled roofing. Some of the homes had checkered black and white paths leading to them, each castle sitting atop it's own hill. The hills were lush and green, with very sparse vegetation and trees.

The castle homes varied in shape and size, but their overall style was consistent. I followed the river until I came to a couple cascading waterfalls that were next to a larger castle. I took the checkered path up to the front entrance, which was a simple wooden arched door. 

It was silent and serene, and I heard no sounds. There was no doorbell, so I knocked. No answer. I knocked again. Still no answer. I noticed there wasn't a lock on the door, so I pushed inward. The door opened with ease, and I went inside. 

To my pleasant surprise, the interior felt like something straight out of a Super Mario video game. The walls were stone, painted a light blue with white puffy clouds. The floors were all checkered black and white. There were glowing star luma lights hanging from the ceiling, and the decor and furniture resembled various characters from the Mushroom Kingdom. 

There was a grand staircase leading to the upper and lower floors. I went upstairs first, where I found a bathroom that had a Toadstool toilet. How cute. There was running water and electricity here. Thank god. 

After refreshing myself with a shower and a nap in one of the royal master bedrooms, I explored the other rooms. The kitchen pantry was full of mushroom-based foods, and the kitchen had a red brick wooden stove and oven. 

Then I found the recreation and game rooms. The basement was reminiscent of a medieval dungeon, but it one large recreational room, and it was full of nostalgia. 

One area of the room was for video gaming, and it contained large TVs from the early 2000s. Each TV set had it's own Nintendo gaming console, including the original NES, Nintendo 64, and Wii consoles. Along the walls were shelves of gaming cartridges and CDs for each corresponding console. 

Another area had a billiards pool table, which was next to a hot tub that had tropical decor around it. On the wall was a large framed image of Princess Peach in a bikini posing on a tropical beach. 

MAMA MIA!! How spicy. 

I was reminded of what it felt like I was in the basement of the rec room of the home I lived in during my teen years. There had been a pool table and N64 setup down there, and I'd play Super Mario 64 and Star Wars Racer for hours. 

Longing to chill for a while and tap into my teenage nostalgia, I went back upstairs to the kitchen where I grabbed some chickie nuggies, Doritos chips, and chocky milk, and returned to the rec room where I lost track of time gaming away. I felt youthful again.

While playing Super Mario Galaxy on Wii and dying repeatedly, I got frustrated and threw the remote at the wall, knocking the Princess Peach picture off center. This revealed that there was an opening in the wall behind the picture that led into another room. 

I took the painting down, and crossed the threshold into what appeared to be a secret sex dungeon. It was clearly a pleasure room of some sort, with all sorts of erotic objects. At the center of the space was a round bed with large mushroom and Toadstool plush pillows and red velvet sheets. 

On the bed there was a paper note that read:

"To have me, you must save me from Bowser's Beach. Your reward will be peachy pleasures beyond your wildest dreams! Truly yours, Princess Peach." 

Sounds juicy. Also transactional and conditional. Then again... I was ready for some fun... and to go out and live. 

It was time to go on another adventure.